Well...

I'll write one day...

The Art of Toilet Etiquette

We often hear women complain about men leaving the toilet seat up. I think we need to examine this phenomenon on a closer look.

Let's assume that men and women only pee half the time when using the bathroom**. The other time, they poop and pee. Let's also assume that men don't pee sitting down. They lift the toilet seat up when peeing, and leave it up. So 1 out of 2 times, he lifts the toilet seat up; 1 out of 2 times, the man leaves it down.

If the man never moves the seat back into the down position after peeing, then half of the time that a man uses the restroom, the toilet seat would be left up. If you add women into this scenario (who would always leave the toilet seat down), we can safely say that 1 out of 4 times, the toilet seat would be left up--time out. If you hate math and/or are getting overwhelmed by all of this, please skip to the bolded paragraph below. Otherwise, feel free to read the next couple paragraphs. Time in--(1 time the woman poops, so the seat is left down. 1 time the woman pees, so the seat is left down. 1 time the man poops, so the seat is left down. 1 time the man pees, so the seat is left UP).

Now... is this fair?

The woman will encounter a lifted toilet seat approximately 1 out of 4 times, and will need to move it to the down position all 1 out of 4 times. The other 3 times, the seat will already be down. So 1 out of 4 times, the woman will need to touch the toilet seat.

The man will encounter the lifted toilet seat 1 out of 4 times and will need to move it down half the time he encounters it because he will need to poop, so he will have to move it 1/8th of the time. However, when the seat is down the other 3 times, he will have to lift it UP half the time. What this means is that 1/8th of the time, the man will have to move the toilet seat down, and 3/8ths of the time, he will have to move it back up. Adding those together, we get 3/8 + 1/8 = 4/8 = 1/2. Half of the time, the man will need to touch the toilet seat.

What this means is that 50% of the time, the man must move the toilet seat. Women, on the other hand, must move the toilet seat only 25% of the time. So what are women complaining about?

Men should be complaining. Here is my proposal:

Always put the cover down after using the toilet. If women and men encountered a covered toilet every time they used the restroom, 100% of the time, both men and women will have to move the toilet cover (and maybe the seat at the same time), up, then back down after use. Only then will it be perfectly fair. With the toilet cover always down, it will also look cleaner and we can see if someone has a special toilet seat cover, and this makes for great conversation!

**You may be thinking, "men only pee much more than they poop and pee. They pee more like 2/3rds of the time and poop/pee a third of the time." This would result in more equal results--the woman would move the toilet seat 33% of the time, and the man would move it 28%. Yes, this now becomes unfair for the woman. In this case, my proposal should still be used to create fairness.